43 Ways to Drive Yourself Batshit Crazy...

(Warning: This is loooooong…)


Literary lockjaw. Creative constipation. Writer’s block. They are all the same thing. And I have it. Badly. The strange thing is, I have ideas on what I want to write. I just don’t know how to get it out. I concede that my best writing normally comes out when I am emotionally invested in the subject. I believe that’s how it works for most artists. My problem is that I have so much pent up emotion right now, that my creative spigot is clogged. Everything is rushing to come out all at the same time. So, in the hope of jump-starting my flow, I have decided to simply list out everything that is weighing on me right now. Besides, who doesn’t love lists? Who knows, I may be able to pick the topics one by one afterwards and deal with them then. But as it stands right now, I need release. So with that diatribe out the way, I now present to you, Triniyute’s Guide to Creative Constipation, aka. 43 Ways to Drive Yourself Batshit Crazy for No Good Reason Whatsoever…

1. Bring in New Year walking  an emotional tightrope.

2. Give ex-girlfriend who you still love space to sort out her emotional upheaval (which is unrelated to you) on her own, knowing full well she has a new S.O. (who you secretly wouldn’t mind braining with a full Carib bottle) who is in the right place at the right time.

3. Attempt to convince friends that you are doing the “right/mature thing” with regards to situation detailed in point 2.

4. Attempt to convince self that you are doing the “right/mature” thing with regards situation detailed in point 2.

5. Resist urge to brain self with above mentioned Carib bottle, when ex’s new S.O. solidifies position due to your doing the “right/mature” thing with regards situation detailed in point 2.

6. Start Carnival festivities with short paycheck due to clerical fuck-up in Head Office.

7. Receive news from friend that potentially crazy woman is running around Toronto telling people that she has a man back in Trinidad (with the understanding that you are the referenced “man”).

8. Avoid one of better fetes for the year when practically all of your crew is going, because it is held by the work place of your ex’s S.O., so you know they will be there.

9. Ironically, go to birthday lime of another ex who was big bone of contention in your relationship, in order to have excuse for not going fete. (Score bonus points for feeling completely awkward and out of place, since the two of you now have basically nothing in common, and you’re wondering why you were invited in the first place. Extra, extra bonus points for noting irony in situation )

10. Hangout with ex at annual Carnival house lime. Watch new S.O. pick her up from your house while noticing demon rage etched on his face.

11. Hang out with potentially crazy woman at free drinks fetes.

12. Cop a feel of potentially crazy woman while drunk at one of those free drinks fete.

13. Regret alcohol-induced decision to cop a feel of potentially crazy woman while drunk at one of those free drinks fete, very next day.

14. Go funeral of cool cousin.

15. Have panic attack in shower after funeral of cool cousin.

16. Not make reception due to panic attack in shower after funeral of cool cousin.

17. Go to cooler fete with potentially crazy woman that night.

18. Meet completely cool woman (funnily also from Toronto) and connect while at cooler fete.

19. Notice potentially crazy woman flashing you strange looks while connecting with completely cool woman at cooler fete.

20. Be informed by friend that potentially crazy woman has cancelled all plans to lime with you all for the rest of Carnival weekend.

21. Upgrade potentially crazy woman to probably crazy woman. Thank God for blessings bestowed.

22. Play Jouvert with completely cool woman, and discover what may be legit connection there.

23. Play Monday Mas. Have a time. Palance with friends who own /operate a bar. Get wasted. Have a woman palance on your big toe with the heel of a pair of high-heeled boots. Run into probably crazy woman. Get snubbed.

24. Upgrade probably crazy woman to crazy woman. Thank God for blessings bestowed.

25. Get up at ridiculously early hour on Carnival Tuesday to carry friend to make up appointment with ex.

26. Realise that ex is giving you cold shoulder treatment. Be confused.

27. Play Tuesday Mas. Be wasted by midday. Recover in time for evening festivities. Realise there may be a serious problem with toe that was palanced on day before. Ignore pain. Substitute alcohol for ibuprofen. Get snubbed by crazy woman again. Thank God for blessings bestowed.

28. Spend rest of vacation limping around on one foot because of severely bruised toe.

29. Spend completely cool woman’s last night in country with her. Realise she is cooler than you previously suspected. Promise to stay in touch and just see where things lead. Wonder if God is catching jollies at your expense.

30. Have discussion with aunt, detailing fact that fund set up to cover college loan expenses is now tapped out, due to ever increasing interest rate. Realise you have only covered about half of loan.

31. Return to work. Get promptly put on desk duty for 2 weeks due to severely bruised toe.

32. Receive short paycheck due to clerical fuck-up in Head Office.

33. Have 2 birthday limes, plus various other ridiculous, unforeseen, expenses pop up on short check.

34. Run into ex while hanging out at favored bar. Confirm that she is giving you cold shoulder treatment. Have cousin and liming partner confirm it. Notice certain new facets of behavior that is now a little worrying. Resist urge to brain self with Carib bottle.

35. Have good friend show up crying on doorstep with baby-daddy issues.

36. Have baby sister pull down blog, which is one of her pride and joys, due to unspecified events.

37. E-mail, text and talk on the phone to completely cool woman who is back in Toronto. Realise there is room for growth if you let it. Realise that she lives in another country. Realise you are still emotionally invested in your ex. Realise that you are dangerously close to recreating every single horrible relationship decision you have ever made.

38. Really wonder if God is catching his jollies right now.

39. Find out you are being blacklisted from potential advancement opportunity at job, for unknown reasons.

40. Explore options. Find out that your best advancement opportunities now lay in the UK…and Canada.

41. Tell God he has a cruel sense of humour.

42. Realise that crazy woman didn’t really delete you from Facebook, but had merely blocked you, and has now unblocked you. Upgrade crazy woman to serial nutjob. Thank God for blessings bestowed.

43. Write list, and post on blog.


And that is my easy 43-step Guide to Creative Constipation. All standard disclaimers apply.

(Please note, the author is not responsible for the effects of following the instructions on this list. Side effects may include, hair loss, wailing, gnashing of teeth, high blood pressure, increased drinking, increased smoking, inability to sleep, want/need to sleep more and general anti-social behavior. Pregnant woman should not follow this list, nor should the easily depressed or worked up…)