Soul Reasoning...(Posted on Facebook 27/11/2007)

These are the ramblings of a discontented soul. I have held in a lot from a long period of time and dealt with it poorly. I figure it’s time for me to let go of my demons, and I needed to try a new way of doing it. The old ways didn’t always work. So, I’m doing so in the only other way I know: in words. I don’t know what I expect of posting this online publicly. Not pity or empathy, I think I have played for that often enough in my life. Maybe just the sense of peace that one gets from letting his emotions out openly. To those who read this and think it trivial and unnecessary, I don’t blame you. I would probably think the same thing. Just needed to try something new. To the people referred to below, I apologise. I really do. There are multiple names to go with each situation. Why now? Two close but unrelated friends of mine have put things in perspective for me. One has been kind enough to let me lean on her when she is the one who really needs support. Luv ya and I’m there beside you all the way. The other showed me that I do have the strength to hold others up even when I feel I can’t hold my own self up. Therefore, I have the strength to change. And thanks for the idea for the online blog, Calfee. I stole it from you so I have to give you credit for it. Who knows, it really might be therapeutic, and I might get the courage to do it again. Here goes. It’s gonna jump all over the place, so if you taking time to read it, be forewarned. 

There are things in my life that I truly regret. I regret not finishing my degree. I regret not telling my mother how much I truly loved her before she died. I regret my decision to love some one who did not love me back. I regret not being able to love someone who truly did love me. I regret hurting those who I love, and who loved me back, by pushing them away from me. My life can be summed up by the regret I have for mistakes made, opportunities lost and chances spurned. Does that mean that my life is one huge regret? No. I would change some of the decisions I made but I would not change the experience that I have gained as a result of those same decisions. If that seems paradoxical, it is and I do not apologise for it. It is the simple truth. But in the myriad of “what-if’s” that shape my past, I think I found the stimulation for the “what-may-be’s”. And maybe, just maybe, that is what keeps me going. Hope. Not hope that the past will suddenly change, but the hope that past will shape the future in a better way.

I was taught to be the best person I can be by the most beautiful person I ever knew. She forgot to mention that you will fall and scrape your knees on that journey. I have realized that I have a very long way to go on the journey to be like her. I have had my share of disappointments, and disappointed more than my fair share of people. I have tried to be in equal parts, a good son, nephew, great-nephew, brother, cousin, friend and boyfriend. I have had some successes and some failures. In my rush to become that perfect person, I forgot the greatest lesson she ever taught me: the sign of a great person comes from putting others first and yourself last. I have neglected to do that in a big way. As I confessed to someone recently, I have been selfish. In retrospect, although I was referring to a specific set of incidents, it can be applied to a much larger perspective. I can blame people and circumstances, but that is the panacea of the vain and fools. I need look only at myself for blame. 

So what does all this mean? Something and nothing. Recent events have forced me to take a deep, long and hard look at myself. And I was not pleased with or proud of what I saw. In short, it was nothing like the person, my mother taught me to be. I have unknowingly supervised my own change in to a dark, brooding and unlikable person, who according to very reliable (and brutally honest) sources, regularly turned his back on people he calls treasured friends. I have ignored the offers of help that have been given to me by friends and family alike. And I apologise for it. And most of all, to Ma, I’m sorry it took so long for your lessons to stick. I guess it just took me this long to figure it out. But I am ready to use those lessons now. Just help me to stay on the right path, for it is winding and hard and lonely at times. But that is what makes you a better person, isn’t it?
I haven’t said it much but, thanks Ma. I love you a lot and I miss you.

And that is (part of it) in a nutshell.