Kinks with COVID...

 I wrote this in collab with TC/STC & the city of Toronto.

Hidden away under unintended consequences of the global pandemic, is this little factoid: Tinder was never this lit. Dating apps are seeing record levels of activity as people attempt to reach out and touch someone (heh) while remaining safe and socially distanced. The need for intimacy and human contact is still present. It may be stronger than ever depending on your circumstance. But, you know, COVID is a big thing. This new dynamic brings with it new challenges. Finding a partner to safely (and reliably) make your bed go squeaky-squeaky-squee could be a difficult proposition in the good old days of 2019, before face-to-face missionary could potentially put you on a respirator. So, how do we practice safe sex in the times of COVID? Well, with a little bit of old, a little bit of new, and taking some inspiration from a community that has unexpectedly found itself in a position to shine.

Firstly, let’s dispel some myths. Masturbation will not cause hair to grow on your palms. It will not cause you to go “cokey-eye”. You will not grow less sensitive down there, and the only thing that will make one arm stronger than the other is a shitty training regimen. Masturbation can help both your sexual and mental health though, which brings us to the point: the only safe sex isn’t marital sex, it’s solo sex. Masturbation has myriad benefits. The most important here is that it allows you to achieve sexual gratification safely while in isolation. You can’t contract or spread COVID if you’re the only person there. If you need someone to help you achieve that sweet, sweet release; you can video-call a willing partner and enjoy mutual masturbation that way. The point is to have fun and be safe about it. For a pro-tip, make personalized JOI (jerk-off-instruction) videos for each other and make it a game.

If you are in a monogamous relationship and live with your partner, masturbation is probably not going to be an appealing solution. In these cases, The City of Toronto recommends following all standard COVID protocols. Wash your hands. Don’t engage in sexual activity if you feel ill, and isolate. Wear your mask. *record scratch*. Wearing a mask can be sexy if you incorporate it into your sexual play. Remember how I mentioned a community has unexpectedly found itself in a position to shine? Well, the cosplay community has been making masks and mask play an active part of their sexual activities for decades. Why not make it a part of yours? While a full latex outfit may be out of the financial reach (or sexual proclivities) of most people, there has never been a better time to use your cloth mask to engage in that Mileena cosplay fantasy you’ve fantasized about.

Unless unmasked Mileena is your thing, in which case we at TC/STC do not engage in kink-shaming of any kind. You do you, fam. You do you…

Remember, the focus is on keeping your mask on during sexy time.

Lady Saw once immortalized the words “nuh want nuh belly rub-a-dub, because a backshot meh love.” It is recommended that you adopt this as your new mantra, as sexual positions that avoid face to face contact should be prioritized. Missionary may allow for that up-close and personalized feeling, but it also provides an ideal vector for COVID transmission. There are several positions that allow for penetration which also do not require you to be gazing into each other’s eyes from five inches away. If you are unsure of which ones are ideal for you, now would be a great time to invest in a copy of the Kama Sutra. Trust, you will be appreciative of the investment even after things return to some semblance of normalcy.

Sex during COVID does not have to be scary or, worse yet, non-existent. By adding a couple of new techniques to your usual safe-sex repertoire, you should be able to continue to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life while remaining safe from the dangers of COVID-19. Remember: talk to your partner(s) about how you can remain safe, practice proper hygiene protocols, limit facial contact and saliva exchanges, continue to use condoms and practice safe sex. Now, excuse me. It’s Saturday and I have a video call to make.