I remember when I used to love her... (Pt. 2)

*I have omitted over a lot of things to keep this short. But trust me, I am understating alot in these posts...

Pt. II

And thus a new pattern was formed. Our fights now had a nasty edge. I would trying arguing using reason. She would scream and use whatever insecurities I had against me (There was a memorable one using some concerns I had about my sister’s new relationship at the time that will live forever in my mind). I would walk out the house and go for a long walk. I would walk as far as the nearby strip-mall (which was a good 20 mins away on foot, mind you), turn around and walk back home. This was when my smoking habit truly took off. I was a medium to light smoker back then. I turned into a heavy one almost over night. Then, after one particularly bad argument that left her crying and cursing (and me just confused and cursing), I took an extra-long walk. All the way to the proper mall, which was about 45 mins to an hour away. I turned around, walked back and entered my apartment, to the sight of her in the bedroom with a knife sawing away furiously at her wrist. And not a butter knife. One of the big kitchen knives. I started sleeping with the knives under my pillow whenever we fought. The straw that truly broke the camel’s back (aka my resistance) came not to long after.

It was another bad fight, but this time I started it. I had told her she needed to get professional help (who had tell me to say dat?). Eventually she went running for the knives. I told her that I could not deal anymore, and I was calling her sister to deal with her and the bullshit. She just watched me strangely, and asked what for. I told her simply because I wasn’t getting though to her and maybe her sister would. Her response was as chilling as it was calm: “Why? It’s not like she would care…” I called anyway. I laid out the entire scenario. Her sister asked to talk to her. I listen to TNO carry on a conversation with her sister that sounded relatively normal. She handed the phone back to me with a defiant, yet satisfied look on her face. Her sister then said: “She sounds fine to me…” My heart broke. In my mind, that was my last real chance to get some help from somebody else who also cared about her. Yet I was the one who was made out as looking crazy. As far as I was concerned, I was out of options.

We both moved home some months later (that conversation was a scene by itself. The short version involves me getting yelled at, and her threatening to crash the car with both of us inside, thus ending both our lives. And we were driving at the time mind you). We then broke up the month after that. The part that hurt me most about the breakup? She lied to her family, and then set me up for her mom to practically cuss me out. I went over to pick up my stuff, and the next thing I know is that I’m being yelled at by her mom, saying I was a little boy playing big man thing, and I only played with her daughter emotions, etc, etc, etc. I tried to be rational with her mom, and warn her about TNO, but she would not let me get a word in edgeways. “I know about that, it’s no longer your concern, it’s now a family matter,” was the quote. The next time I saw her mom, I knew by the look on her face, that TNO had been acting up. How did I know? Cuz for a year, I used to wear the same expression. TNO even called me and admitted she was going to therapy. I told her good for her, and wished her the best. I got harassing calls for about 3 months, then mercifully, they stopped. I have not seen her since then. She used to report on CNC3 when they first launched, but people have told me that they haven’t seen her on there in a very long time. Not that I care though, because I would walk past her straight, if I ever saw her in the street. And that’s an upgrade.

There are so many things I could say about this woman and my relationship with her, but none of it would be good. I never knew what true anger or rage was before I met TNO. I have good memories of all my relationships, except this one. I cannot pick out a single one. I have one ex-turned-very good friend, who honestly wished she had an opportunity to meet her, just so that she could kick her ass. She blames her for the marked change in my personality. It’s a taint I have yet to shake, even now. My intimacy problems (not physical, I’m perfectly fine in that respect, :p), stem from her. It is painful beyond belief to have someone who claims they love you, throw your deepest fears, regrets and insecurities back in your face, just to hurt you. Especially, when the only reason they know those fears, regrets and insecurities, is because you let them know about that side of you. I haven’t let anyone have that level of emotional access to me ever since. One person in particular has reached pretty far past my barriers, but even she met a wall of sorts. It’s a trend that has been present in all my relationships ever since.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to completely let my guard down again. That relationship took so much out of me, that even I have to admit that I have not been the same since. But I can try. And that’s the reason why I write. Not to look at my own words. But to get out pain for which, I have not found any other avenue of release. In the hope, that by setting that pain free for the world, I can heal and grow. My only problem in this case? Damn, the memory of this pain runs deep…