Soul Reasonings: A Box Of Chocolates...

(Note: This argument is made using the sole variable of sexual experience. All other variables (looks, personality, common interests, etc) are all held to equal, and thus disregarded. It is also not mean to rag on the “good girls” out there.)


“Why should I settle for one kind of chocolate, when I can have the entire box?”

“Chad, hear this…”

It was the usual beginning to the debates a partner and I normally have from time to time. Over the period of time that I have known him, I have found him to be equally pragmatic and dogmatic, often within the same conversation. So my interest was instantly piqued. He started with a story this time. Apparently, he had recently limed with an old acquaintance of his. And I mean acquaintance in the purest of terms. He knew her through a friend, and did not know her all that well. However, that first introduction had lead to a one night stand. Afterwards, she returned to lands afar, and they did not keep in touch. Therefore, this chance meeting came completely out of the blue. To his confusion, she was cool. To be specific and more clear, she acted more social (as a trini you know what this means) than friendly. This then spurred my own confusion. What was the problem? It was just a one nighter, right? There were no expectations. In his mind, due to the fact that they had slept together, there should have been more familiarity between them. He even admitted that his ego had been slightly bruised by her reaction. I grew even more confused. Then, came the debate-starter: “Whaeva, yes. That probably just mean she is ah bad ting…”

The quote at the start of this story came from an unusual source. I was living in the Atl (shawty) at the time. While hanging out with a friend of mine, I met an interesting young lady. No sparks ever flew, there was no mutual attraction, but the simple conversation was engaging. In the course of the discussion, the topic of male-female relations and sex came up, as it always does. The young lady was single, and completely happy so. A bit confused, I asked her why. Her response is now immortalized at the top of this blog post, as well as in my memory. Why? It was surprising, and refreshing, to hear a woman speak so openly about her sexuality. And it is here; sadly, that debate often turns into mud-slinging and name-calling.

It never ceases to amaze me how taboo the subject of female sexuality can be, even today. Even if one throws out the traditional gender roles that have been ingrained in society, there are still religious biases with which to contend. Personally, I have never conformed to any these. The concept that a women is beholden to a different set of sexual conventions, based solely on the fact that she is a woman, has always rung with me as being hollow and hypocritical. What makes a woman a slut, a whore, or a “bad ting”? Is it numbers? Disposition? Attitude? And why is it that the concept of a woman enjoying sex purely for the enjoyment of sex’s sake provokes such a strong response? In short, why is the idea of a sexually-liberated woman such a big deal?

I will avoid my view on the religious aspect for the simple reason that I’m not comfortable with dragging religion into this particular argument. I’m sorry but, in my experience, nothing makes people more irrational or judgmental, than arguing anything based on religious grounds. It’s like all common sense or rationality gets thrown out in the trash when you start introducing religious elements. (I’m spiritual btw, not religious). So why are sexual gender roles hypocritical in my view? Well, skipping past the well worn, feminist argument, there is the simple fact that we happen to benefit from it. I’m sorry, but if I may be so blunt, if I have to chose between a demure “good girl” who is still figuring out her sexual identity, and a “bad ting” who is familiar and comfortable with her body and her sense of self, give me the “bad ting” anyday, and twice on Friday nights. (I consider it a bonus if she drinks). Why? Because she is 10x more likely to know what she wants, how she wants it, and when she wants it. There tends to be an open-mindedness which invites open discourse on “adult” topics. Sex stopped being taboo about 40 years ago, people. Deal with it.

So for the second time of asking, and ultimately, what makes a woman a “bad ting”? I don’t think anyone truly knows. I have heard arguments run from specific numbers (I’ve heard numbers as low as 4 partners), to the asinine argument of “she cyah have more numbers than me.” My opinion? Who cares? I’ve been with women who had more partners than me, and I have been with a woman where I was her second sexual partner total. I have an ex who (before she met me), made a bet with one of her liming partners to see who could sleep with a man from each state of the US in a certain timeframe. And you know what? I did not care. Why? More than being a woman, and being constrained by silly concepts of what women can’t/shouldn’t do, I just saw her as an adult making an adult decision. As long as she was safe and responsible about it, who was/am I to judge? Besides, that thing she does with her tongue that makes your toes literally curl? Chances are it was perfected on not just one other person, but a couple other persons. Really. Go ask. I’ll wait while you find out. Ok. Feel any better or worse? And do you really care how many people it took for her to perfect it? And if so why? She’s doing it to you now, right? I’m telling you, this has to be the only situation where quality control has an inverse relationship between numbers tested and satisfaction gained. It makes no friggin’ sense.

I didn’t try to change my partner’s opinion on whether his one night stand was really a “bad ting” or not. I know him well enough to know that trying to do that is a lesson in futility. On the flip side, another partner once had an interesting take on the matter. According to his thesis, a prostitute is open about the fact that she has sex with multiple men, she tends to be safe about it, and she isn’t ashamed to showcase her skills or where she learned them. That’s more than you can say about the average woman. (Let’s ignore the obvious payment factor for argument’s sake). Who has the more mature and progressive mindset in this case? And you know what? His argument has a lot of salient points. So even though it will probably come to an end one day, I hope that young woman enjoyed her box of chocolates while it lasted. Because we are really too quick to lambaste women for having the courage to figure out which flavor really tickles their fancy. Now excuse me, there’s a “bad ting” I’m eyeing that I’m trying to convince to try out some mocha chocolate…