N.E.R.D. Nobody Ever Really Dies. They are currently one of my favourite artists. I have all 3 of their albums released to date, and I love the eclectic blend of music that each one contains. I have killed the albums to the point where two close friends actually nicknamed me “nerd”. Well, they also sang the song that I’m using as the title for this post. I currently have this song on “repeat till annoying” status. It’s about a guy making one last plea to his girl who’s leaving him, because he was too wrapped up in his own woes and his own life, to pay any real attention to her. I can relate to that. Especially now.
I think you all remember this post from a couple of months ago. Well, the back story to that post is that I was pretty much involved with someone else at that point in time. She was for all intents and purposes my girlfriend. Just we were on an extended break. I spoke to her after I posted that particular entry and explained myself. She watched me dead in the eye, and told me that it was my blog and that I was entitled to write anything I want to. This space is my venting ground, and she preferred that I have a place where I could vent, rather than bottle everything up. I could have kissed her then. So what does a song call “Run To the Sun” have to do with that blog and this post? Well, it shows that I am my own worst enemy, and that once again, no-one can truly fuck me over quite like myself.
Let me start from the beginning. When I met the heroine of this current post, I was only two months out of a relationship with the heroine of the above-mentioned post. I was a hot mess because, as usual, I fucked that relationship up too. (It was a bit more complicated than that, but that is one of my lowest points, and I’m still trying to heal from it). A mutual friend introduced us at a cooler fete. (Feel free to laugh at that tidbit). What I didn’t laugh at, was how easily we clicked. Actually, it was more than just clicking, it was like melding. The only way I can explain it, is that we had 3 pieces of conversation that night: “Hi, nice to meet you,” and “You want anything from the cooler?” (x 2). Yet we walked out of that fete holding hands, like we had been together for months. Nothing much needed to be said. It just was. And there was my problem. How could I just get out of a relationship with someone who I gave my all to, and yet just connect with someone who I had just met? What was wrong with me? Was I turning into my dad? (See this week’s posts for reference)
I was confused. I still loved my previous girlfriend. But this new woman in my life, she was like a breath of fresh air. She was beautiful, humble, funny, talented, smart and refreshingly honest. We shared tons of shit in common. Our passion for music, art, reading, the list was endless. But I was not happy. Why? Because I was happy. Or at least I was on the road to being happy. (Let me put your reaction into words for you: Whaaaaaa?????????????) Let me explain. I am a master of guilting myself, and being guilted. And let’s just say the first time my previous girlfriend saw us out together, oooooh, she was not pleased. She took every potshot imaginable for awhile. And I took it. Why? Cuz I felt guilty that I found someone who willing to work with me, to help me heal, and she was probably still hurting. That was the other thing. I didn’t lie to my new girlfriend. I laid my cards out. I told her straight up that I was damaged goods. And she worked with me on it. She was more understanding than she needed to be. To the point where I started wondering when the other shoe would drop, and I would see the flip side, the inevitable psychosis that I invariably always seem to attract. Only thing is, it never did drop. It was who she was. And I slowly started falling in love all over again. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I sabotaged the shit out of the relationship.
Over the following year, we were constantly on and off. In my mind, I harped on the few weaknesses she did have, turning them into relationship-threatening crises. As soon as we would start getting comfortable, I would say I needed a break to sort myself out. It was the truth. I did need to sort myself out, but not in the way I said I needed to. I wasn’t sorting stuff out, as much as running away from the guilt I was feeling. And I never dealt with that guilt. And I kept running and coming back, running and coming back. And everytime, she would let me go, and then take me back. Every time I told her I was not sure when I would be sorted out, and if she met someone else, don’t look back. And everytime, she waited for me, worked with me, being understanding, being loving.
Things came to a head this year. I really started to doubt myself and what I was doing with this beautiful woman. I was toying with her, mercilessly. Not purposefully, mind you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was toying with her none-the-less. The fact that I still shared all of my emotions and feelings with her didn’t mitigate the fact either. I was being cruel and selfish under the guise of protecting myself. So I basically called it off. Crudely too. Once again, it was not one of my better moments. I honestly wish I could take that moment back. (I’m also racking up way too many of these kinds of moments.) I gave her the same spiel, taking time, don’t wait for me, yadda, yadda, yadda. Difference was, I was serious this time. I took time. I dealt with a lot of my guilt. I even hung out with my ex. I realized that I still love her, but maybe, just maybe, sometimes 2 people aren’t meant to be together. And in figuring this out, I realized I had been an ass. More precisely, I had been a c*nt. (Don’t ask me why, but c*nt registers as a nastier word than fuck for me.) But more importantly, I realized I loved the one I had just left. Unconditionally and purely. I made up my mind. I knew who I wanted to spend my life with.
I decided I wanted to make right, and live out the fairytale ending. I had heard things, but figured nah, couldn’t be. So I called her, and told her I loved her and I missed her. I got silence in response. Ok, that could be expected. I had basically disappeared for about 3 months, with the exception of her birthday. “Why now?” came the question. I stammered and stuttered my reasons. Then came the hammer blow: “I appreciate it, but I’ve met someone else. And it’s going pretty good.” Now I was the one who went silent. (Guess I should’ve listened to what I had heard.) My mouth was dry, and I was literally speechless. I can’t even remember what I said. I vaguely remember promising her I would keep in touch and not disappear again, and that I hope he truly makes her happy. Then I lay there for 10 mins, before getting up to mix the harshest rum and orange juice you have ever tasted, and promptly killing a half pack of cigarettes. I then went to “sleep” at around 2 in the morning.
I have tried to analyze how I feel. I know I told her don’t wait for me if someone else came along, but for whatever dumb/asshole reason, it never crossed my mind that it would actually happen. As though I was the only one who saw her virtues. I am hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m mad. At myself. I have managed to do it again. I ruined something promising for myself. And that’s why I keep playing “Run to The Sun” over, and over, and over again. The chorus says:
“It goes while you’re here, I wanna tell you something,
It’s that I love you, girl, and
I wish we could run, to the sun,
And never come back”
I am tired. I would cry, but I emotionally don’t have the strength. I am mourning my loss, but don’t have the energy to express it openly. I’m hurting badly, yet strangely numb, at the same time. I honestly wish her the best. I hope it works out. She deserves nothing less, and vast amounts more. I hope this guy treats her like the queen and angel that she is. I have no dislike or malice for him. I got my due in spades. I just wish it would have been me treating her like that. I guess I will have to keep wishing for that run to sun.
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5 months ago
a wise man once said.."to get something you never had, you must do something you never did"... or something to that effect... need i say more?
ReplyDelete"No-one can truly fuck me over quite like myself."
ReplyDeleteBest. Quote. Ever.
Are all your readers softies? :-P
ReplyDeleteAcutally just you :p :).
ReplyDeleteOn another note, thanks for all the supposrt guys. I really mean it.
Babe, I will take your word for it that you're like our father in many ways. Take my word for it that in more ways you are not. Love you lots and wishing you peace - Jo
ReplyDelete