Kinks with COVID...

 I wrote this in collab with TC/STC & the city of Toronto.

Hidden away under unintended consequences of the global pandemic, is this little factoid: Tinder was never this lit. Dating apps are seeing record levels of activity as people attempt to reach out and touch someone (heh) while remaining safe and socially distanced. The need for intimacy and human contact is still present. It may be stronger than ever depending on your circumstance. But, you know, COVID is a big thing. This new dynamic brings with it new challenges. Finding a partner to safely (and reliably) make your bed go squeaky-squeaky-squee could be a difficult proposition in the good old days of 2019, before face-to-face missionary could potentially put you on a respirator. So, how do we practice safe sex in the times of COVID? Well, with a little bit of old, a little bit of new, and taking some inspiration from a community that has unexpectedly found itself in a position to shine.

Firstly, let’s dispel some myths. Masturbation will not cause hair to grow on your palms. It will not cause you to go “cokey-eye”. You will not grow less sensitive down there, and the only thing that will make one arm stronger than the other is a shitty training regimen. Masturbation can help both your sexual and mental health though, which brings us to the point: the only safe sex isn’t marital sex, it’s solo sex. Masturbation has myriad benefits. The most important here is that it allows you to achieve sexual gratification safely while in isolation. You can’t contract or spread COVID if you’re the only person there. If you need someone to help you achieve that sweet, sweet release; you can video-call a willing partner and enjoy mutual masturbation that way. The point is to have fun and be safe about it. For a pro-tip, make personalized JOI (jerk-off-instruction) videos for each other and make it a game.

If you are in a monogamous relationship and live with your partner, masturbation is probably not going to be an appealing solution. In these cases, The City of Toronto recommends following all standard COVID protocols. Wash your hands. Don’t engage in sexual activity if you feel ill, and isolate. Wear your mask. *record scratch*. Wearing a mask can be sexy if you incorporate it into your sexual play. Remember how I mentioned a community has unexpectedly found itself in a position to shine? Well, the cosplay community has been making masks and mask play an active part of their sexual activities for decades. Why not make it a part of yours? While a full latex outfit may be out of the financial reach (or sexual proclivities) of most people, there has never been a better time to use your cloth mask to engage in that Mileena cosplay fantasy you’ve fantasized about.

Unless unmasked Mileena is your thing, in which case we at TC/STC do not engage in kink-shaming of any kind. You do you, fam. You do you…

Remember, the focus is on keeping your mask on during sexy time.

Lady Saw once immortalized the words “nuh want nuh belly rub-a-dub, because a backshot meh love.” It is recommended that you adopt this as your new mantra, as sexual positions that avoid face to face contact should be prioritized. Missionary may allow for that up-close and personalized feeling, but it also provides an ideal vector for COVID transmission. There are several positions that allow for penetration which also do not require you to be gazing into each other’s eyes from five inches away. If you are unsure of which ones are ideal for you, now would be a great time to invest in a copy of the Kama Sutra. Trust, you will be appreciative of the investment even after things return to some semblance of normalcy.

Sex during COVID does not have to be scary or, worse yet, non-existent. By adding a couple of new techniques to your usual safe-sex repertoire, you should be able to continue to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life while remaining safe from the dangers of COVID-19. Remember: talk to your partner(s) about how you can remain safe, practice proper hygiene protocols, limit facial contact and saliva exchanges, continue to use condoms and practice safe sex. Now, excuse me. It’s Saturday and I have a video call to make. 

Challenges...

Charles Bradley knows what he's talking about...

For the past couple of months, J has been doing the Whole Life Challenge. It's a health and wellness programme that is supposed to get you closer to a happier you. And she's been raving about it. To the point where she got K and I to sign up. I normally watch these things side-eyed, and from a distance. But honestly? I need to try something new. 2018 hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, and I am so tired already. So, I'm willing to give this a try, cuz something has got to give. And I refuse for that "something" to be my mental health.

Batman v Superman, or Balls vs Sh*t? (Light Spoilers)

There is not gonna be a pretty preamble for this one because, to be quite honest, there is a lot to unpack here and I don't have all night. So let me start by saying that this movie was a bag of shit. An industrial-sized, crocus bag for that matter. I don't know what the hell went on here, but someone has a lot of explaining to do. For the purposes of this piece, I am going to assume that you either saw the movie, or had it spoiled by someone who was so disappointed by the movie, that they attempted to save you the pain of shelling out money to see it.If not, and you're still here, let me be that person.

There are a number of reviews online where the review complains of being bored with the movie.  Fortunately, I did not have that issue. Instead, I was too busy being confused by some of the plot choices to have time to complain about being bored. I mean I could go in depth into the specific problems with the editing, directing and pacing (my good friend Stacy does an excellent job of tackling this on her blog), but I really don't have the time or the patience. What I will complain about, is the lack of respect that Zack Snyder appears to have for his source material.

Throughout the movie, Zack Snyder makes creative decisions that range from puzzling, to confusing, to bizarre, to infuriating. If you didn't know better, you would swear that Wikipedia was his go-to source for research on the material. When the director's reason for killing off a beloved character (within the first half-hour) is "lulz", you may be dealing with someone who needed to spend a bit more time researching the source material. The way that he mashes together years of lore and disparate events from different comics, with no apparent regard for how those story lines may fit together, borders on the batshit insane. (Pun intended). And speaking of batshit insane...

I am going to reiterate this point again. Someone in the creative team of Zack Snyder, David Goyer and Scott Terrio needs to pick up a comic book and do their research. I'm not sure I have ever seen a movie get the spiritual essence of its main characters this wrong. I spent a fair portion of the movie audibly going, "well, he's dead. And he's dead. Goddammit, Bruce..." The first time that Batman shot up a vehicle, causing it to explode, with the occupants still inside, I flinched. Visibly. The same thing happened when Superman punched a warlord through a wall. If Superman is punching you hard enough to put you through a concrete wall, you are not getting up. Ever. And therein lies the problem. These guys do not kill. It is a fundamental part of who they are. It is more than their code, it is the fiber of their being. Hell, it's specifically cited as as a weakness of Batman's when he is confronting the Joker. So to watch Batman killing thugs willy-nilly surpasses being jarring. It's cringe-worthy in this case. Oh, and and before I forget about the Joker...

Jesse Eisenberg is a supremely talented actor. The energy that he brings to characters can be absolutely fascinating. He is also woefully miscast as Lex Luthor in this movie. Oh sorry, did I say Lex Luthor? I meant Lex Luthor Jr. (Another change because, reasons). This casting choice is pretty easy to break down however. It is clear that Eisenberg's Lex is meant to invoke memories of Ledger's Joker, replete with vague motivations and twitchy energy that is meant to unnerve the audience. But where Ledger's Joker was a menacing character, who intimidated and unsettled viewers every time he appeared on screen, this Luthor comes across as...petulant. In The Dark Knight you got the sense that Batman had met his match, while here, you are not quite sure what Batman and Superman have met. You also have no idea of what are his motivations. They change from one scene to the next, and seem to serve no purpose beyond having the character appear bombastic and smart, when they really just make him seem bombastic and shallow. This is epitomized in his final scene where after being given his classic look, instead of exuding power and menace, this Lex exudes...pouty-ness. It is a weird thing indeed.

I could go on and on about the missteps and issues with this movie. When it was first announced, both Stacy and I cringed. Following on the heel of (the mediocre in my opinion) Man of Steel, Batman v. Superman was supposed to be DC/WB's shortcut to a massively, successful film franchise, which would rival the cultural behemoth that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Who needs to world-build, when you have Bats, Supes and Wonder Woman (who is hands down the best part of this movie)? It was the gamble that couldn't miss. Well, in making that gamble, DC needed someone who could handle this movie with subtlety. And they may have hitched their wagon to the one director who doesn't deal in subtlety. That may be a truly sad thing, because all the strength of Superman, and ingenuity of Batman, combined with all the money in the world may not be able to save this franchise.

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Success and Sacrilege...

Have you ever been frightened by success? As in legitimately terrified? I have. Scared shitless, actually. It's a weird feeling. Sacrilegious, almost. See, we're supposed to want success, to chase it to the end of the earth. But what do we do when we finally catch it? How do we deal with all the extras? That's what scares me. I'm a pretty low key guy. The idea of all the extra attention that success brings, unnerves me. I don't deal well with the spot light. Never have. And I'm not sure I ever will. Which is why Trinidad Carnivals scares me. I look at what I'm trying to build, and I can do this. I am good at this. This is what I have always wanted to do. But if this takes off how I want it to, I don't know how to deal with the extra recognition. I'm not saying I will ever be a household name, but I am petrified of attention.

Those are the facts. But I have to do this. And therein lies the rub. Heaven help me.

2016...

I'm aiming for 2016 to be a really productive year. I plan to start back writing for Trinidad Carnivals. That, in and of itself, should be a big deal, but I have bigger plans than that. I have realised that I don't like what I do for my 9-5 (or 8-4/730-330, or whatever work hours you keep). Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I like it ok enough, and I have some of the best co-workers around. But it doesn't drive me. It doesn't challenge me, or make me want to challenge myself. If I was content to just draw pay for the rest of my life, then this would absolutely be the job for me. But I want more.

See, a funny thing happened when I took a 3-year hiatus from writing. I missed the hell out of it. I love telling stories. More importantly, I miss telling other people's stories. Behind every success, every failure, every action or inaction, there is a narrative that deserves to be shared. I love finding that narrative and sharing. And, if I am honest with myself, I'm kinda good at it. I'm not the best word smith, but I can infuse life in tales that would otherwise be pretty bland. And that is a pretty cool skill to have. So, with that being said, my plan is to start back writing for Trinidad Carnivals, and to slowly crank up the frequency with which I cover stuff. That is only the beginning of plans, but each step is a moment further along a journey. And if this journey leads where I want it too, it will be a doozy. 

Stay tuned... 

Soul Reasoning: The Drunk Test...

Now, let me just put this out there. I am not Swappi's biggest fan. The laundry list of issues I have with him could well be a post all of its own. That being said, when I first heard "Bubble On A DJ", my ears perked up. It sounded like hot mess, yes, but did it pass The Drunk Test? In short, when drunk, could I see myself wining in ways that would make Mama Bear (a) disown me, and (b) send me to sleep on the couch due to indiscreet behaviour whilst wining???

You tell me...